Why Buy-In Fails—and What Great Leaders Do Instead (Copy)
It’s Monday morning. Another leadership meeting. The fluorescent lights beam overhead. Someone’s phone is buzzing against the table, again. Keyboard clicks are scattered around the room - some methodical, some frantic. The chill in the air rivals a doctor’s sterile exam room.
Budget update, data reporting, week review, project status. Voices fade, a mere murmur, as you respond to several emails, putting out early morning fires from employees and customers.
Then, the energy shifts. An announcement. A new initiative. A program rollout. And the question everyone knows is coming surfaces: how are we going to get our employees to buy-in? One person offers a launch video followed by employee engagement opportunities through surveys and feedback sessions. Someone else shares an incentive plan suggesting to reward employees who adopt the change, complete training, and reach company goals.
But you find it a challenge to share the enthusiasm or commitment. You’re actually unsettled. Tense. Skeptical. Insecure.
What’s contributing to your feelings of unease? How will this feeling show up with your employees? Is there anything you can do about it?
Rest assured. What you are feeling is entirely human. Essentially, when we sense a threat to our freedom or autonomy, we instinctively push back (Brehm & Brehm, 1981). This reaction isn’t just psychological; it’s protective.
That’s why we argue that “buy-in” can feel less like empowerment and more like pressure - posing threats to how you lead and how you relate. First, as an employee and manager, you’ve lost your freedom to lead your team in the way you believe is best. You’re tasked not only with executing a directive but also persuading others to adopt and fulfill it as well. Second, as humans, we naturally tend to avoid conflict. You know these feelings of resistance are not unique to you. You know your employees are likely to feel them as well, and you do not want to be the one to create this feeling of skepticism, insecurity, and unease.
Discomfort doesn’t mean failure - it means you care. And that’s a strength.
While you may not have shaped the vision behind this new initiative, you can shape the vision for how your team will move forward. You’re not selling the initiative; you’re leading it.
Think of it like planning a wedding without talking about the marriage. A flawless launch means little if there’s no vision for what comes after. Your job isn’t to decorate the rollout; it’s to prepare your team to live with the change.
Your first charge is to decenter yourself and center your team by making space for doubt and showing up with clarity. Your employees are not asking you to have all the answers; they are trusting you to create a space where those answers can emerge, together. Your freedom lies in the message you craft and the path you plan - giving your team agency in the how, even if the what has already been decided.
So, what could this path look like?
Phase 1 - Learning & Believing: This phase is about investing in curiosity.
What is the initiative? Investigate goals, scope, and origin. What’s non-negotiable? Where is there flexibility?
Why now? Be transparent about urgency or timing.
What will people need to know, do, and believe differently? Consider both technical (tasks, tools, timelines) and deeper mindset changes (beliefs, assumptions, habits). Identify knowledge gaps for yourself and your team.
What and where are the opportunities in this change? Shift the lens from compliance to possibility. What doors could this open for growth or innovation?
Phase 2 - Acceptance & Consent: The next step is about owning the change not just being subject to it.
Build consensus. Engage in open conversations. What does the team see as the risks and rewards?
Facilitate public consent. Create shared agreements or a team charter defining and confirming the team’s commitment.
Recognize individual readiness. People will accept at different speeds and in different ways. Create space for more dialogue, examples, or personal relevance to keep the process going while honoring individuals.
Phase 3 - Co-Authoring & Creating: This phase is about defining both purpose and identity.
Define the team’s shared vision. Align the initiative with the team’s values, purpose, strengths, and the charter/commitments you laid out in Phase 2.
Discuss the team’s non-negotiables. Support the team in grappling with boundaries and trade-offs.
Describe key terms. What do we mean by “success,” “impact,” or “implementation”?
Clarify roles. Who is responsible for what? Where is collaboration essential, and where is autonomy expected?
Check in with your team. How is the team feeling? Explicitly show genuine concern for individual members and the group.
Phase 4 - Executing & Evolving: The final phase is about doing the work together, while remaining responsive and reflective.
Track new behaviors and interactions. What is working well? What needs adjustment or refinement?
Reflect regularly. What are you learning as a team? What are you learning as a manager? What are end-users experiencing?
Sustain the shared vision. Celebrate progress. Acknowledge challenge. Reinforce the team’s agency.
This image depicts four phases of strong leadership actions to accelerate your team’s progress through change.
Your second charge is to explicitly share this path with your team, so you can walk it together.
Well yes, it’s Monday morning. The lights still hum. The air is still cold. But now you’re not just surviving the meeting; you’re embracing and defining your leadership - not through fake excitement or compliance but through connection, clarity, and commitment.
Let’s explore this concept of why buy-in fails through an alternative lens…take the journey with us, I promise this will help us explore the many facets of this ever-persistent leadership challenge.
The Lost Sock: A Tale of Connection, Clarity, and Commitment
The Right Sock (RS for short) had always prided itself on reliability and being right. Fine-stitched, navy blue with a subtle diamond weave, it lived for Monday meetings and well-polished Oxfords. But today was different. Today, it faced...the laundry.
As the washer rumbled to life, RS found itself tossed among towels and gym shorts—utterly displaced. This was not the normal washer cycle of the past. What is this new scheme? RS wondered. Why now?
A rogue washer cycle, apparently. Rumor had it the household was on a “high-efficiency” kick. Fewer loads, sensor monitors, and cold temperatures. “That’s non-negotiable,” whispered an old hand towel. “But there's flexibility in spin settings.”
RS knew it had blind spots—mainly about how this newer machine worked, and whether matching Left Sock (it preferred its full name) understood the risks. RS did not get a chance to talk to Left Sock before now. Yet, despite the tumbling uncertainty, RS chose curiosity. RS had already learned something new in a matter of moments. Maybe, just maybe, this change would lead to growth.
Opportunity. RS thought, holding hope in a swirl of lint. Maybe I’ll come out softer, bolder, renewed.
RS’s match—a slightly older left-footed counterpart—floated across the washer drum. “This is ridiculous,” Left Sock muttered. “We don’t belong here. This isn’t how it used to be.”
RS nodded. “I hear you. But the change is real. Let’s talk about it.”
RS and Left Sock huddled beside a mesh laundry bag. “There are risks,” said Left Sock. “We might get separated. Lost. Unraveled.”
“But rewards too,” RS said. “We might finally escape the ‘sock-with-holes’ pile. We could get an upgrade.” RS heard that this initiative helps save fabric.
They agreed, hesitantly. A makeshift pact was formed—Stay Together, Stay Intact. Hand Towel endorsed it. Graphic T-Shirt abstained.
It was a moment of acceptance and consent to commit to this new approach, their way. The pact was done - not with joy, but with clarity. Still, they each held different levels of readiness. Left Sock sighed, “I’ll try. But I’m skeptical.” RS replied gently, “That's all we need. We’ll keep talking.” As the spin cycle began, Left Sock and RS braced themselves—literally.
“Let’s redefine what success means,” RS yelled over the whirl of air. “It’s not just survival. It’s re-integration. Into the drawer. As a pair.”
Left Sock agreed, hanging on to the corner of a washcloth. “And impact means staying in circulation. No ‘orphans’ bin.”
They defined roles: Left Sock would keep track of static cling risks; RS would monitor sock-slide. They clarified boundaries: no venturing into pillowcase pockets or rogue sleeves.
Above all, they co-authored a vision. Not just for themselves, but for all socks: Reunite. Resist Lint. Remain Useful.
The washer door opened with a hiss. Light streamed in. Clothes were pulled, separated for line dry and those that go into the dryer.
The Socks? Separated.
RS landed behind the dryer. Alone. Wet. Dusty. Silent.
At first, despair settled in. But slowly, RS noticed something. A new community: a long-lost mitten, a faded bandana, even a baby sock who’d grown dusty but wise.
These items weren’t idle. They were observant. Reflective. Welcoming to the wet newcomer.
RS began journaling lint patterns, mapping airflow, observing the processes that move clothing from the washer to the dryer. RS became a mentor to other strays. “This isn’t the end,” RS reminded them. “It’s evolution.”
And then—weeks later—during a deep clean, a hand reached down.
A gasp. “There you are!”
RS reunited with Left Sock in the drawer that night. Turns out Left Sock went to the drawer and waited. They were different now—stretched by change, tested by time—but stronger.
Together, they’d walked through every phase of change. And they were ready—for anything. Even sandals season.
Apply the Learning: A Case Study of Leading the Initiative, Not Selling It
Forest Roots Realty is a mid-sized real estate firm known for its strong client relationships and legacy portfolio across several urban markets. Recently, in order to modernize operations and increase transparency, the executive team announced a firm-wide shift to a centralized digital Customer Relationship Management (CRM) system. The platform would replace each team’s existing spreadsheets, tracking systems, and client notes.
Quinn, a team manager overseeing a small but high-performing group of five agents, was tasked with leading the transition for his office. His team, based in a growing secondary market, has built their success on local networks and informal processes that work well for them. His team is made up of long-tenured agents with deeply personalized methods.
The new CRM system was designed to streamline client communication, centralize listings and contacts, and generate real-time analytics for upper management. Adoption was non-negotiable; every manager was expected to have their teams fully onboard within two months. Quinn was informed of the initiative in a virtual regional meeting, given a rollout guide, and told to begin onboarding immediately.
In the first team meeting after receiving the directive, Quinn announced:
“We’re moving all our client data into a new CRM to make things easier around here. It’s a corporate decision. It’ll be a seamless switch; I have a plan to ensure we are in compliance by the end of next month and will send it to your emails later this afternoon. Any questions.”
Two team members leaned back in their chairs. Two others looked around the table, making eye contact with each other and then their colleagues. Jackie, the senior agent on the team, grappled with her thoughts: Will my silence be perceived as support? What if no one asks the right questions–or any questions for that matter? Maybe I should just help the team - even if I disagree. Maybe it’s time for me to look for new opportunities; It’s not my job to make this work; no one even asked me to.” She needed some time to think. Of course she had questions, but how she approached them mattered. But as Jackie sat quietly thinking, she felt her team waiting for her response.
Before she could carefully craft her question, Jackie started with: “Why are we switching to a new system when what we’re doing works? What problem is this trying to solve - the company’s or ours?”
Then, the chorus began.
“What happens if I miss something in the new CRM? Will that affect my performance evaluation?”
“Is this going to be used to monitor or compare performance?”
“I heard BNSG Realtors switched last year, and they’re still cleaning up the mess. I know someone who works over there. I could’ve shared what I knew if I’d been asked. Has this even been successful for anybody?”
Feeling the flood of team questions, Quinn interrupted and responded:
“I understand; I understand. You have a lot of questions and concerns. I haven’t had time to look into that, but I will. In the meantime, let’s work the plan and get it done.”
With that, he closed the meeting despite having several other agenda items.
Later, in his email, Quinn shared links to the training modules and set deadlines for completion, along with due dates for having the client lists uploaded.
Case Study Questions:
How did Quinn’s framing impact his team’s response?
What could Quinn have done differently before, during, and after the meeting?
How could Quinn have leveraged Jackie’s expertise and position in the process?
See you next month!
Brehm, S. S., & Brehm, J. W. (1981). Psychological reactance : A theory of freedom and control. Academic Press.
